So...
Me and sean did get back together that time.
But he cheated on me with some skanky chick and then we broke up for good.
He's still my good friend and all that shit with that nasty girl is squashed.
Yeah I'm still in love with him, but he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, I don't think we'll go back out again, but I'm starting to move past that.
But I think I might still go for it if he asks me out, what can I say, He's worth it.

But yeah I'm applying for colleges and shit.
And it's stressful.
And lame.
I think I want to go to Bridgewater State. Or Becker.
I guess I'll have to make these choices when the time comes and I get my acceptance letters back.

Yeah I guess that's it for now.
I'm still working at Dunkin Donuts.
Thanksgiving is on thursday.
And Christmas is coming faster that you think.

Peace.

so me and sean are on a break.
his mom apparently thinks i'm not good enough for him, she thinks i push his little sister away. and who wouldn't when they always pawn her off on me when they don't want to deal with her. but if i don't feel like dealing with her, i'm the bad guy and the bitch who is good for nothing.
i feel like this break is more than a break. like a forever type thing.
he says he'll take me back after i get a job and can pay for stuff and all that jazz.
this hurts worse than being cheated on.
yeah i thought i loved bobby but he didnt love me and kept cheating on me.
but i really do love sean and he says he loves me, but why would someone break the heart of the person they love just to prove a point.
he said i wasn't the only one he hurt and blew up at last night, i guess he blew up at his mom too. but the thing is when his mom calms down and gets over it she'll still and always will be him mom. if i ever get over it, i could be just another ex girlfriend.
everyone is giving me different advice, and i'm following my heart.
i don't want to lose him.
i've spent so much time wiht him in the last ten months, like more with my friends and family, that it hurts the hardest to see him want to push away from me.
it sucks cu zhes the one person i want to get a hug and comfort from but i cant cuz he's the one that's hurting me.

:[

i hope this all turns around for the better.
please lord, let it.

So I went to Virginia Beach for the passed few days to visit my sister. I had fun, we went out to eat alot, and I attempted to get my eyebrow pierced, and we drank a bit. I got to see Bricen like I had wanted, and suprisingly Sean got along with him quite well and I took some pictures of them together that I thought were cute. Me and My sister's relationship hasn't change much at all, except she kept calling me "mom" and saying that I don't take many chances and risks, like my mom I guess. I was going to get my eyebrow pierced but I left my stupid ID in my backpack in Bourne and other than the piercing, I didn't really need it. Sean was going to get his lip done, a labret, and we had gone to one place and they said no he couldnt get it done because he's only 17. So we went to another place and they were about to give him the piercing but the guy decided they were too busy so he should go to the other place down the road where we had just been. Sean told him they said he couldn't get it, and that's when the guy over the counter realised that Sean is only 17 and that he wasn't able to get one even though he filled out all the paper work. How stupid.

I didn't really like travelling on a train for a total of 28 hours. But on our way home we stopped for two hours in DC and we talked to a few guys about random things while we were outside, and they were having a few cigarettes. There was some cool Jazz musician guy who was also a singer, but I never caught his name, and then there was some kid who looked like he was 15 but he was 19 and they thought Sean was way older than 17 for some reason. Of course they hardly talked to me, so I just stood there like a goon. The train station in DC is HUGE! there's like at least 20 gates and at least 30-40 train tracks that can go in there. There's a huge food court, and there's like a bunch of stores, it's like the mall of all train stations. Oh yeah, did I mention when we got off the train at Rhode Island, that Sean broke my camera, and my dad was there? Well he was.

My dad and Sean are like best friends now or some shit. They went outside and talked about me for like 20 minutes while I sat in the stupid train station with 3 things of luggage and a broken camera, looking stupid. When I finally went outside my dad was saying how much they chit chatted it up about me, and they even exchanged numbers. What the heck are they gunna do, call eachother up in the middle of the night and talk about how jealous and weird I am? Oh joy, I hope so. Life is just weird. What else is weird is that even though my dad was there and I haven't seen him in God know's how long, I didn't feel like I absolutly needed to sit and talk to him, like not much has changed about him.

Yesterday it was me and Sean's 6 month anniversary. WOO. We went to Wal*mart and he bought me a new camera, since he broke my other one. But this one is wicked cute and it even connects to the TV which isn't anything new for most camera's but it's new for me. And then we went to 99 and got lunch and I payed for it, but lucky for me it was only like 25 bucks plus a tip. And then Leslie called so he went to hang out with him, and I had him drop me off at home. You'd think the one day the was supposed to be so great he'd spend it all with me, instead he hangs out with his friends and goes to work and then hangs out with his friends afterwork, doesn't call me like he says he does, so I call him, and then randomly shows up at my house just to give me a kiss. I'll admit the last part was cute, but I would have liked to spend the day with him on OUR six month anniversary, not His and Leslie's day.

I think I'm catching a cold or a sickness of some kind. I've been coughing up a lung and I've had a sore throat all weak.

There's school tomorrow, which I don't like one bit.

I felt like with all the travelling and being in a different state that I didn't even get to enjoy vacation to the fullest. I mean I enjoyed being in Virginia Beach, But now that I'm home it feels like I just get to enjoy the weekend, like it was any other normal week.

I smell, I need a shower.


I love you.
<3

It's been a while since I've written in here, or typed.

I've been on good terms with most of my friend's lately and I'm thankful for that but I feel like sometimes people get fed up with me and how much I talk about my other half (Sean). I try not to but I can't help it, and here I am even now talking about him.

I'm supposed to be going to see my sister and nephew on April vacation, and I can't wait. It's been way too long since I've seen either of them and it would be nice if I could see Jeremy too, but he's in Iraq, so that can't happen. I don't even care if I don't do much of anything while I go down to visit her, I just want to be able to spend time with the two of them and I hope it doesn't go by fast, because I miss being able to spend time with them. I feel like my nephew just grew up extremely fast. I mean I remember when I was there when he was born, and when he broke his leg on his 4th birthday, but now he's almost 6 and he knows how to speak correctly, and he goes to school, and it just makes me sad, like he was my son and I wasn't home enough to watch him grow up. And now I've blinked and I've missed everything.

My family has begun to make me emotional lately. I don't see my dad, which isn't anything new, but I don't see anyone anymore. I haven't seen my brother since Christmas, and the last time he was here, it's not like I got to spend all the time in the world with him, he's 20 now and I know he has his own life, but I still miss when we were kids. I mean I actually miss when we used to fight and he would give me dead arms and I would tell on him. I miss being able to say that I had both a mom and a dad who were married and everything was perfect. I know that even now I wouldn't have half the friends I do, but I do think losing a family that was all together hits me hard. I couldn't stand to lose any single one of the best friends I have now, but it still hits me hard.

I found out being bi-polar is genetic. Which explains alot. I'll probably have to take medication for it. Great.

I want to start running and losing weight for real this time. I don't like being overweight, I don't like feeling like everyone is staring at me because I'm fat and I can't go shop at Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch because I'm not a size zero. I just wish I was like thin, but still had some curves, I just don't like being a fat ass and a beast when I look in the mirror.

I guess I need to start making some of these changes with my own will power, I can't count on everyone else to change me, I have to do things on my own sometimes.

I love you.
<3

I really like how some people are like discreetly trying to point out how bad we aren't close.
And like planning it symultaniously. (spelt wrong i dont care)
aka putting me from 2nd on your top friends to practically booting me off.
It's cool how one of them put a girl in front of me that i know they cant even stand.
good times.
one more reason i wanna say fuck off.

I get pissed off easily.
and I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach a lot.
and I'm gunna start pushing people away.
I'm starting to not want to deal with things anymore.
Don't confront me about problems.
I don't like confrontation.
I don't like dealing with stuff.
I think I have anxiety problems.
I don't like dealing with new people.
I don't like dealing with crap people throw at me randomly. Especially when three people bring up the same "issue" to me 3 days in a row.
Don't gang up on me. Cuz I'll give up on the situation and you.


I'm annoyed with alot of people right now.
Very little things annoy me.
I'll snap soon.
So watch yourself.



It's fucking 9:45 on a friday night.
I'm going to bed.
Cuz that's what cool kids do.

Go fuck yourself.
Figure out who you are.


I need to take kickboxing.
That'll get my frustration out.

I miss my sister and nephew. and brother. and suprisingly...i miss my daddy.

>:[

I might beat this weekend.
Hmm losing the big V.
wow.


It's almost been three months.
But I do love him.
Alot.
He's way better than old what's his name.
And he makes me feel good about myself.

I gots me a new years kiss.
So happy.


I love life right now.
Well for the most part.
:D

Sooo.
I just got smoked up.
And I'm sposed to be highhh.
But I'm just kinda tireder than before.


The end.

OH!
P.S. I have a hickey. [One I didn't have to even mention to get.]
:D
<3

10.21.06
about 9:30
<3

So they say you're only given things you can handle.
That's not true!
I'm sitting here balling my eyes out and I have been for the last hour and a half all because I was chosen to be given stupid things that just make freak out and start crying.
Why do my parents have to be divorced?
Why do I have to keep everything bottled up inside of myself?
Why do I have to wait until it all gets so intense I just freak out and blow up crying.
I hate when my dad calls.
All I ever do at the end of those stupid phone calls is cry.
Why the hell would he want to change his name to Joseph? His name is Daniel. My dad's name is Daniel. NOT JOSEPH! I dont see why he wants to go around changing things. It's bad enough I've been living with just a mother for since seventh grade.
I'm a junior now. Thats at least 4 years.
Does it matter to him?
Not at all.
I have to spend Thanksgiving with him.
I wanted to. But only because I figured my big brother would be there to lean on. But no, he's not coming. I have to fend for myself. I can't handle that. He's just going to want to talk about everything that's going on in my life, and frankly I don't want to tell him. I don't like having to call him and talk to him about things that are going on in my life. It's my life, I shouldn't be forced to call someone to spill my guts.
I don't talk about things that bother me.
Why?
Oh well cuz when I do people either say "awww" or "i'm sorry" or they're like my brother and tell me things that start off with "I mean this in the nicest way possible but..." That's never good. That's just setting me up to get all upset and emotional.
So what if you don't get me.
So what if you think I can't stand up for myself.
Maybe I can't.
Maybe I never had a damn father figure or brother around long enough to teach me how what it's like to stick up for myself.
But no.
Here I am trying to defend myself against the two.
And to think I look up to my brother so much.
I really do, I'm not gunna lie.
If you think I'm a tom boy, that's why.
But even all those times I look up to him and go to him for advice and go to him when I'm upset, he finds a way to make me feel like shit.
I understand we're siblings but you'd think that after being apart for so many years and after growing up people would change and would treat family in a way to be civilized and not get them upset.
Maybe I'm just a cry baby.
Maybe I'm just a pussy.
But I'm not afraid to admit it.
I don't feel the need to just spit out what's goin on in my life to anyone, and if I do, consider yourself damn lucky because I confide in you, don't throw it back in my face.
Don't change your name because you don't like the way people have been calling you it after almost 52 years of your damn life.
You'd think if it bothered you that much you would have had the balls to change it a long time ago.
Ok maybe I don't like change.
I don't like being the lesser person.
I'm stubborn.
Maybe that's why I'm so quick to judge people.
Because I want to be able to say something about them before they have a chance to say something about me.
I don't like anything about myself.
In stress wellness yesterday we had to write down 5 words to describe ourselves.
My 5 words were: Ugly, Fat, Nasty, Gross, and Raunchy.
And I was being polite.
I hate the way I look.
Wanna know why?
Because I look like a fat cow, and ya know where I heard that from? My brother. And it's true. I am a fat cow. At least I admit it.
Maybe I find comfort in eating.
I'm not afraid to admit that either.
I'm gross. I know that. I hate the way I am but I'm not gunna change because this is what I'm used to.
But I wish certain other things about my life would change or would never have happened.
Sure I wouldn't have moved here.
Sure I wouldn't know who I do now.
And I'm not saying that I wish I never knew such great friends.
But I just wish I wasn't such a basketcase.
I wish I could have comfort in knowing that 20 years down the line I won't be in some padded room because I'm a nutcase.
But I don't.
And I don't know what tomorrow brings.
I just don't like today.

i dont know what to write.
although i felt an update was needed.

i need to finish my summer reading.
less than a week left.
i was told school started a week later cuz of construction.
what bullshit.
i checked the story out.
we start on sep 5th.
no change there.

i saw sydney and anabel yesterday.
and slept over anabel's house with her and syd and kt.
was wicked fun.
we watched she's the man.
and played scatagories.
and ate cake.
was wicked fun.

i've hung out with trevor alot this weekend.
i love his music.
they're always stuck in my head.
good times.

i'm done.
that was all.

oh. PS.
i miss the skeet angels.
:[

so my head is killing me.
and no, it's not because i was drunk off my ass last night.
it's because i hit it REALLY hard on the ceiling on my way down the stairs at katie's house.
how ghey is that.

ok i didnt think i was even that drunk last night, but i will admit i was stumbling over before we even got to the party.
oh yeah, the party was a bust.

so we went back to katie's.
and i drank more.

and then we went to the studio.
oh how i love that place.
and i got like 2 beers there.
so i had a crap load already.

but i will admit i'm not hung over.
i still need to sleep more.

i say the dumbest shit when i'm out of it though too.
and i had like an emotional episode.
cuz no one wanted to hang out with me.

and cass called will lee and pretended to be me.
at like 2 in the morning.
ghey.

oh yeah.
earlier in the night i got a cigarette put out on my face.
i thought it was funny.
cuz i couldnt feel it.

Gah I miss when he was the chubby kid.
When he would pick on me and I would pretend to get mad.
When he used to sit behind me and almost killed me with the leg of his desk.
I miss 6th grade.
I miss that one day at recess when I decided to stay in and he went outside, and everyone came back in saying he liked me.
I miss his red hair.
I miss that stupid jacket he would always wear.
I miss those stupid shoes that a girl threw up on at the strawberry festival.
I miss those weird nicknames he would give me.
I miss his excuse to always talk to me and ask me for help.
I miss way back when to when everyone didn't think he was the shit and he was so HUGE with motocross.
I miss that day at my brother's graduation when I first got a glimpse of him.
I miss the fact that it was so obvious I liked him and no one knew except the two people I would blurt it out to everyday between classes.
I miss his lame paleness.
I miss the weird freckles he had.
I miss how he would bleach his hair and then buzz it so you could never really tell.
I miss that crappy bowl cut he had one too many a time.
I miss how much he thought my dog Sheeba was so adorable and how he would pick her up and carry her around like it was his dog whenever he saw her.
I miss how he tried to make him sound so much better than everyone else when I was around him.

----
Wow. I miss far too much about number 909.

PLEASE SHOOT ME. I'M HOPELESS.

So I clearly don't know how to update this thing at all.

Over the summer I've gone to Brimfield, MA and Winthrop, ME.
and they were both wicked fun.

I know the summer is only half over, but I've done some things I regret.
Regrets:
-Making out with guys who I was told never to.
-Spilling my guts in truth or dare.
-Not hanging out with my friends as much as I have.

There's alot of stuff that I'm glad I've been able to do.
Like listen to rap everyday.
Laugh so hard about the little things, even if no one else thinks they're funny.


HAHA.
I clearly like to embarass myself.
Cuz when I was in maine I pissed myself.
And I managed to run around the camp ground naked to get to my cabin.

I'M A BEAST AT MONOPOLY.
I clearly like to win.


Oh as a side note:
I love to be called "lovely".
Really makes me smile.

I kinda wish I was a kid again, or wish that it was this time last year, yet I knew what I know now. Like I could have known what was going to happen and then like roll with it from there. But I guess people always tend to wish that.

My hair got WICKED long.
haha Wicked is such a Massachusetts slang word.
woot woot.

I've managed to hang out with Alex and Katie alot lately.
I like it.
It's like when Katie says she doesn't like change. I like us all hanging out, it's comforting, and I'd rather it not change anytime soon.

BIBLE TOMORROW!
It's been a month.
And I get my hat back and like ten bucks from a bet from predictable people.

I wish my hair had like a natural curl to it.

I would also like to point out that this is the most pointless entry I have ever written.

Haha. Leslie is gorgeous.
Story behind that:
I said I wanted to watch the movie "Step Up".
Katie and Alex proceeded to tell me it was the stupidest movie ever.
I said the guy was gorgeous.
Alex said he looks like Leslie.
I then said "Well then, Leslie is gorgeous."

I WANNA TAKE PICTURESSS.
I need a good photo session with friends.
Oh yeah, I'm myspace obsessed.
Woo.
<3

Where to start...

Well I was sad the other night, or I have been getting sad at random and I noticed that it always leads back to about Thanksgiving time when I was basically told I was the main reason my family was falling apart.
So I made a list of everything I miss. And then I made it into things I miss and then people I miss.
I miss 9 people:
-Dad
-Bernadette
-Daniel
-Bricen
-Sarah
-Kelly
-Bobby
-Sheeba (ok so she's a dog)
-Elliott
And I miss a bunch of things:
-Good Grades
-Non-divorced parents
-Being "Good" with Bobby
-Time before having been basically blamed for family issues
-Sharing a room with Daniel
-Seeing Bernadette morre than like once a year
-Having Sheeba as a pet
-Not getting into random crying fits
-Family Dinners or Family anything
-Comfort of a home; Basements aren't comfortable
-Not having to feel liek I'm carrying the burden of a parent's death along with my friends now
-When every thought didn't revolve around Bobby
-When everytime I break down crying it doesn't go back to all THIS

Yeah and I miss Hyannis Sound.

I hate having strep throat. It means I get to miss more school but I have alot of make up work to do along with it and I have a bunch of tests and stuff, it's retarded. I feel like I'm reliving last weeks vacation all over again this week. Lame.

I'm really into the Gym Class Heroes' song "Make Out Club." Pretty much amazing. And the mash up with Fall Out Boy is amazing. I have it on my myspace now, cuz it's that good. I need to change my layout for that too. This ones gotten old. New pics are a must too.

I need to catch up on my drawing of Elliott for art. Seriously. I think it was due like 3 weeks ago. Reeetarrdeddd.

Ew I saw some lady on tv last night and she put asparagus on a sandwich. It was pretty damn gross if you ask me.

Yeah I could probably go on about anything and everything I'm thinking of right now, But I decided that it would be a good idea to cut this short.
Like here.

I love you.

Oh P.S.- I'M NOT FUCKING OBSESSED! UGH!

-Tall, muscular and big.
-"Tough"
-Reassuring about the things I'm worried about.
-Compliments me and knows when I need it.
-GREAT HANDS!
-Into the same music I am.
-Has a tough outercore, but is a total softie.
-Not afriad to good around with me.
-Not afraid to make fun of me.
-Knows how to handle my random mood swings.
-Great listener.
-When I get hugged, I get engulfed.
-Stays true to me.
-Makes a great impression on my Dad.
-Realises friends come first.
-Understands my relationship with my Mom.
-Never makes me feel jealous.
-Can talk about anything and everything and never get bored.
-Doesn't get bored with me.
-Pushes me towards my goals.
-Willing to try new things.
-Gives me butterflies.
-Points out my corky details and embraces them.
-Sensitive.
-When driving in the car, gets out just to take a picture of the sunset because I was being thought of at the time.
-Loves all the random teenybopper bands I do.
-Is willing to watch chick flicks with me.
-Won't push me into doing things I don't like.
-Knows when i'm uncomfortable, and understands why without me saying a word.
-Dances like a weirdo just to make me laugh.
-Loves my eyes and smile.
-Says "I love you" and means it.
-Will watch the sun set and rise with me in one night, laying and talking under the stars inbetween.
-Sings stupid songs with me and to me.
-Will kick a guys ass for somehow hurting me.
-Is my protector.
-Knows when I need alone time.
-Not afraid to introduce me to friends.
-Kisses my forehead, cheek, and nose.
-Not afraid to kiss me in public.
-Cares for me when I'm sick.
-Approved of by my brother.
-Thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.
-Understands little things get to me.
-Doesn't do drugs.
-Understands my stupid obsessions.
-Great with my nephew and dog.

IS ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED IN SOMEONE. <3.

Wanna hear something great?

Roche is apparently like scared or intimidated by me.
That's fucking amazing.

I was in the lunch line with Ali and I noticed Roche and then I noticed her like SPEED out of the line as fast as she could. And Ali and I got back to the table and she said that apparently Roche was trying to be all buddy buddy until she saw me behind Ali then she just sped off.

And apparently I learned something about myself that I didn't know I do, but I like that I do it: If I don't like someone I don't pretend to like them.

And I think that's the coolest thing ever.

I hate homework.
Good thing Vacation starts tomorrow after school.
And good thing the e-team will be reunited tomorrow.


oh yeah, I'm basically with him.
what skill i got.

<3.

She doesn't deserve it.

I won't deserve it.

I have nothing for her.

What I'm doing to him is wrong, but that medicine might not be working.

They make me jelous.

I'm afraid to show how I feel towards him.

Will I ever see him again?

It's too cliche.

I should tell him I like him, but it'll only scare him.

I tell people too much.

I don't believe in it.

UGH.
<3.
: **

Yeah so it turns out relationships are confusing.
I'm not in one, but when people say they wanna go back out with you and you tell yourself it's such a good idea cuz you like them too, then they say they're not so sure anymore, its lame.

I wrote a myspace blog about it.
www.myspace.com/peach_cheynakin

check it out.

Valentine's Day tomorrow.
I'm going out to dinner with my mom then going to Esh's with Will and Tylor to watch CRASH. And I hopefully get my bear. Should be fun.

It's my brother's birthday today.
He's 19. Yay Daniel.

I wish relationships would sort themselves out. And I wish I could tell the future.

<3.

So I love haveing a digital camera. Seeing as how I havent much updated since before xmas, i believe.
I have some strange obsession with taking pictures of most everyone and everything. I even brought it to school today. PATHETIC.

So stupid kids who think they're cool cuz they work at walmart fucking suck. And ya know the ones who lie to their good friends about stuff. And their girlfriends. Oh wait, which one?

My sister left like last week along with my nephew, and I havent seen my brother since about xmas. I miss em.

I've been goin to youth group again, i like it. and I missed them. I kinda feel like I haven't been as close to my friends as I wish i could be. Like they all have all these stories of awesome weekends and they ask me and i'm like "I didnt do anything this weekend". Way to be lame, Chey.

So i hung out a bit with alex, when I was waiting for Mr.Bill Ferney to take us home. we Chilled eating oreos and talking for like a good 40 mins. Its good to bond with someone in the e-team. Like actually sit and talk with them. I missed it.

I made an I love ppl list on my myspace. and if you wanna be on it, that sucks.

So I stink at new years resolutions. But I made two new ones. Dont tell boys how you feel about them unless you know its worth it. and dont tell anyone how you feel about something unless they ask.

So i want a boyfriend, cuz it'll be cool. Yuppp. But now a douche bag. and he cant be anywhere near the age of 22. And oh yeah teeth are cool. And needed. for chewing. woo.

I think I'm getting a cold. cuz I keep sniffling. Its super. woot.

I love the e-team.